


Books Will Be Written About This

by MoonlightFox



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Gen, Humor, I Don't Even Know, Stiles' Trusty Bat, Witches, general ridiculousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-10
Updated: 2014-07-10
Packaged: 2018-02-08 05:30:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1928436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightFox/pseuds/MoonlightFox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles snarks, Derek comes to the rescue and there's celebratory curly fries.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Books Will Be Written About This

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry. I don't even know what this is. This is why I shouldn't be allowed to use Word Doc. at three in the morning.

Stiles would like to point out that despite what people will say when they tell this story in the future; this was so not his fault. (Shut up, Derek! No, it wasn’t.) All he wanted to do was go to his favorite diner, order up their heavenly curly fries, meet up with Scott and have a relaxing night with his best bro like old times, but no. Some stupid witch just _had_ to be luring some helpless sap into an alley way and Stiles just _had_ to see it and go investigate.

How did he know the woman was a witch, you ask? Because she was seriously wearing a pointy hat and had a glowing pentagram shaped talisman in her hand. He figured it was worth checking out, even if it was ridiculous.

By the time he’d grabbed his bat and got to the alleyway entrance, the witch had the poor guy slammed against the wall by his throat and seemed to be sucking his soul out of his mouth. Weird. Stiles raised his trusty bat and approached the witch slowly. The witch stopped her soul sucking and hissed at him (actually hissed), to which he just rolled his eyes and swung the bat.

That was a mistake. The witch grabbed hold of the bat and threw it and him into the wall opposite. Groaning in pain as his head slammed against the brick wall, Stiles sank to the ground. A growled echoed from the open end of the alleyway. Blues eyes glowed in the weirdly orange lighting. Derek was here. That’s good. Stiles thought a little dazedly. His vision was a little blurry, but he could just make out Derek swiping at the witch to get her away from the poor soul sucked dude.

“Kick her ass, Sourwolf!” Stiles called from his spot on the wall, lifting his fist in a futile attempt at showing solidarity. Neither creature even acknowledged him.

Stiles must have blacked out at some point, because the next thing he knew, the witch was hovering above him with a knife at his throat. While she explained to Derek that she needed the souls of brave men in order to gain power so she can harness the lay lines power and take over the world, Stiles blinked his vision back to normal.

“Are we really going to do the whole monologue thing?” He asked as sassily as his muddled brain would let him.

“Shut up, Stiles!” Derek barked.

Stiles glared at him feebly and slowly reached into his hoodie pocket for his flask of Holy water. That was when the witch looked down at him and started cackling.

“Are you—are you _cackling_?” Stiles stared incredulously at the witch. “She is! She’s freaking cackling!”

Stiles waved his bat frantically at the witch, not actually trying to hit her but just trying to express his incredulity. He kept looking between Derek and the witch like he couldn’t believe this was actually happening, “First you monologue and now you’re _cackling_? Is this even real? Has the world forgotten that it is not, in fact, a cheesy B-list supernatural flick? These things just don’t happen in real life, okay. Next thing you know, she’s going to turn green and start shouting ‘I’ll get you, my pretty’ because we just don’t have enough stereotypes going on here.”

Derek leveled his best ‘You’re an Idiot Stiles. Shut Up Before I Make You. Painfully.’ glare, but Stiles didn’t care. This was just too ridiculous for words. The witch stopped her cackling at some point during his rant and was now pointing what he had first thought was a knife but was actually a long stick at him.

“Oh, you’ve _got_ to be fucking kidding me!” Stiles cried, while Derek took the opportunity of the distraction to pounce on her, “I give up! I can’t do this. This is just sad now.”

Throwing all caution to the wind, Stiles pulled the bottle of Holy water out of his pocket and before the witch could get out the words to curse him or Derek, Stiles poured the whole bottle over her head. Derek pulled back from where he was pinning the witch as she screamed and thrashed on the ground, her flesh burning away slowly until only bones remained. Stiles stared at the bones for a moment, before dropping the bottle and walking away.

“I’m out. I’m so done with tonight,” Stiles said, thoroughly exasperated. Maybe there was still time to grab some curly fries from his favorite diner. He felt he deserved a bit of heaven after tonight, “Yo, Sourwolf! Want to get some curly fries and a milkshake?”

He honestly didn’t expect an answer and so was pleasantly surprised when Derek just shrugged, giving the bones one last befuddled look, “Sure.”

Getting to his jeep, Stiles sighed. This was his life now. Horrible stereotypes, cheesy horror flicks come to life and grumpy werewolves for company. He should write a book.


End file.
